Monday, March 26, 2012

the alarm

i spent the majority of today separating out cans and re-bagging them to take back to the bottle drop center for camp stuff...  which translates into most of the day spent doing a mindless task, alone, listening to music... sounds well enough - but i also spent the majority of the day with a major alarm going off in my brain... my stomach was in knots all day - telling me something was wrong that i need to deal with. STAT.

i fought through wether i should let anybody in on this - or if asking for prayer, or letting anyone know would just be me being a burden - being a wreck over the same things that i still can't talk about... it took most of the morning for me to decide that i needed to let someone in - and that they probably wouldn't look at it that way. i didn't really believe that - but i had to just walk in that truth and see what happened... so i texted a friend and let her in on the fact that my stomach was in knots...  which proceeded to put it more in knots.

she reminded me that it was my body trying to tell me that there's something going on inside my heart that needs to be dealt with... that it was an alarm - and a really loud one, cause i probably ignored all the other alarms... right - i'm really good at that one - our heart doesnt really have a snooze button.


i tried to decipher what my heart was saying and came up short...


but here are the things i do know - that are probably going to help point me in the right direction at some point...

i haven't been sleeping well. there have been a lot of sleepless hours trying to fall asleep and when i do, its not very good sleep...

i just finished reading "The shack" - i've known for a while now that i was on the edge of not being able to hold it together anymore, but i'm not very good at opening up, so i thought that if i read something that would bring up emotions and memories, it might give me that final push over the edge and help me open up... (which may not be the best method of healing)

it's been a year and half of me shoving the pain, grief, anger, confusion, and tears of the death of my bio dad... i havn't talked about it with anyone because it scares the crap out of me... there's so much i don't know and there's so many emotions that just seem wrong. so - it's been a year and half of shoving all that deeper and deeper...

i'm workign with children who adore me and look up to me - and i'm suppose to be leading them towards Christ, teaching them and being an example of how to love well... i feel like i'm failing them - like i have nothing to give... and i have to struggle through the words that my last pastor spoke about me in regards to ministry and try not to believe them - words from somebody i trusted and looked up to.

i'm living with a family - and it's becoming more natural and comfortable to be part of that family - and my natural instict is to run from that... i don't know how to ask for what i need from them as a family... i have moments when i feel deeply loved and like i'm truly part of the family - and i have moments when i feel like an outsider renting a room and intruding on their family moments...

 there's a boy i have a huge crush on - that might like me back... i don't know - but he told me i looked great the other night and it affected my heart - which freaked me out and made me happy all the at the same time.... i feel very lost in this situation. scared. unsure. i don't want to get my emotions involved if it's nothing... but i don't want to shut him off and make it seem like i'm not interested...

i'm starting school in the fall again. i'm scared i wont be able to handle it. that i've lost my smarts... that my brain wont work right anymore. that i'll never be able to finish and get my degree that seems so close and yet so far away...

i'm pretty sure the Lord has called me to stay in salem for a while and do ministry here... to stay in the states. to stop wishing and having my heart overseas while i'm doing ministry half assed over here... but to get my heart involved here - to love the kids in salem and to dig deep and start something big to reach out to the hurting kids here that i'm (apparenlty) uniquely able to connect with and love on...  but at the same time - i still want to be overseas... the thought of not getting to go back to the relationships i built over there breaks my heart... and it shatters everything i've been living for - everything i've done for the past 8 years has been to prepare me for overseas ministry...  my degree, my trainings, what i own, how i've lived... that all has to change if i'm going to get rooted here.

i have a sever lack of motivation to get in shape... one of the main reasons i am usually disappointed with myself is my lack of motivation... especially when it involves exercise and loosing weight and getting in shape... there are so many things i want to do that i cannot do and will never get to unless i can figure out a way to get motivated and have a little self discipline... i just don't know how - and loosing weight is one of the hardest areas for me to let anyone in... to be real with my goals and my desires and my true feelings about myself...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

consistency and headaches...

i'm not real sure where i wanna go with this - but i feel like i need to blog something... my heart is all up in knots right now - but nothing will come out. actually - i got a headache as soon as i thought about blogging - a headache i havn't had in a long time... the headache i get when my brains and my heart start fighting... the headache i get when my heart wants to process something that my brains still think will kill me and isn't safe to remember... when my brain pumps itself full of some kind of chemical to keep me from feeling and thinking through certain things... seriously - this happens... its apparently a symptom of ptsd that i havn't gotten rid of... which leaves me with that nagging suspicion and the knot in my gut that says that there's more pain inside there - that my brain still isn't sure its safe to remember yet.

anyhow - lately these headaches have been coming up because i haven't had the consistency i use to have of talking things out... talking out the hard stuff - the painful stuff - the stuff my brains thinks isn't safe... i haven't had the consistency of close authentic relationships that revolve around truth and the really real stuff of life... i still have those relationships - but they're not consistent anymore... they're here and there, text message and emails - and then large breaks... my brains apparently don't like that. they got scared. they ran. they're hiding things from me again...

i want to talk it out - i really do... but my brains really honestly wont let me... i can't just decide i'm going to talk about the hard stuff with you one day... my brains have been so trained to hide things to keep me safe, to keep me alive - that they need the consistency of being safe... they need the consistency to remember... that it's safe... that the wounds in my heart wont cause me to self destruct... that my emotions wont kill me...

they need the consistency that i don't have right now.

so... honestly, i'm dying inside... i can tell you that much - my headaches remind me daily that there is something going on... but i don't have words to tell you what's causing it... i just have a headache that i know means there's pain - deep deep pain that needs love and truth to heal it...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Sumo-ing

Today for K2 (my Wednesday night awesome time for kids) we sumo wrestled!!!! 6 inflated inner tubes I found in the basement from the old youth leader... A roll of duct tape... And 13 excited and somewhat smelly children... And we had an awesome night!!!! I'll put up a link to the video once I get it up.

Doing ministry with kids is fun... Having fun with them... Loving them... Challenging them.... Leading them to Jesus...

I like it!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Summit of Ministry

So we had a "leadership summit" this weekend at church where we talking and talked and kept talking about what it means to be "missional". The things we're talking about are the very things u live my life by. Community. Authenticity. Experience. Love. Just loving others and being Christ to those around you. Not having a big plan - or a strategy but just loving those who are around you in your daily life... And this weekend is real boring because everyone is struggling with understanding this stuff - and I'm just sitting here pulling my hair out from boredom... Until Jesus decided to call me out on something.

We're going through this program called 'moving back into the neighborhood' and I start getting called out on the fact that I know there is a deep need right near the church among elementary age kids... Kids who have broken families and would rather be anywhere but home and don't know what it means to be loved and accepted for who they are.... Hmmm... Sounds a lot like me when I was a kid.... I think I might be able to connect with those students. I have a story that makes me uniquely gifted to connect and care for those kids - and there's multiple schools in walking distance from the church that are full of hurting children.

A call.

A purpose.

A mission field.

...in Salem...

I'm okay with those first 3 things - but I was really just waiting for God to give me those 3 things in Slovenia... Or Africa... Or upper kamikaze-Stan...

ANYWHERE.BUT.SALEM.

But alas - my heart is bursting with ideas and excitement for reaching the hurting children in north east Salem...

I've seen the bat call and I'm jumping into the bat mobile ...


And I'm sure this journey is gonna be just as amusing as a comic.