consistency and headaches...

i'm not real sure where i wanna go with this - but i feel like i need to blog something... my heart is all up in knots right now - but nothing will come out. actually - i got a headache as soon as i thought about blogging - a headache i havn't had in a long time... the headache i get when my brains and my heart start fighting... the headache i get when my heart wants to process something that my brains still think will kill me and isn't safe to remember... when my brain pumps itself full of some kind of chemical to keep me from feeling and thinking through certain things... seriously - this happens... its apparently a symptom of ptsd that i havn't gotten rid of... which leaves me with that nagging suspicion and the knot in my gut that says that there's more pain inside there - that my brain still isn't sure its safe to remember yet.

anyhow - lately these headaches have been coming up because i haven't had the consistency i use to have of talking things out... talking out the hard stuff - the painful stuff - the stuff my brains thinks isn't safe... i haven't had the consistency of close authentic relationships that revolve around truth and the really real stuff of life... i still have those relationships - but they're not consistent anymore... they're here and there, text message and emails - and then large breaks... my brains apparently don't like that. they got scared. they ran. they're hiding things from me again...

i want to talk it out - i really do... but my brains really honestly wont let me... i can't just decide i'm going to talk about the hard stuff with you one day... my brains have been so trained to hide things to keep me safe, to keep me alive - that they need the consistency of being safe... they need the consistency to remember... that it's safe... that the wounds in my heart wont cause me to self destruct... that my emotions wont kill me...

they need the consistency that i don't have right now.

so... honestly, i'm dying inside... i can tell you that much - my headaches remind me daily that there is something going on... but i don't have words to tell you what's causing it... i just have a headache that i know means there's pain - deep deep pain that needs love and truth to heal it...