the alarm

i spent the majority of today separating out cans and re-bagging them to take back to the bottle drop center for camp stuff...  which translates into most of the day spent doing a mindless task, alone, listening to music... sounds well enough - but i also spent the majority of the day with a major alarm going off in my brain... my stomach was in knots all day - telling me something was wrong that i need to deal with. STAT.

i fought through wether i should let anybody in on this - or if asking for prayer, or letting anyone know would just be me being a burden - being a wreck over the same things that i still can't talk about... it took most of the morning for me to decide that i needed to let someone in - and that they probably wouldn't look at it that way. i didn't really believe that - but i had to just walk in that truth and see what happened... so i texted a friend and let her in on the fact that my stomach was in knots...  which proceeded to put it more in knots.

she reminded me that it was my body trying to tell me that there's something going on inside my heart that needs to be dealt with... that it was an alarm - and a really loud one, cause i probably ignored all the other alarms... right - i'm really good at that one - our heart doesnt really have a snooze button.


i tried to decipher what my heart was saying and came up short...


but here are the things i do know - that are probably going to help point me in the right direction at some point...

i haven't been sleeping well. there have been a lot of sleepless hours trying to fall asleep and when i do, its not very good sleep...

i just finished reading "The shack" - i've known for a while now that i was on the edge of not being able to hold it together anymore, but i'm not very good at opening up, so i thought that if i read something that would bring up emotions and memories, it might give me that final push over the edge and help me open up... (which may not be the best method of healing)

it's been a year and half of me shoving the pain, grief, anger, confusion, and tears of the death of my bio dad... i havn't talked about it with anyone because it scares the crap out of me... there's so much i don't know and there's so many emotions that just seem wrong. so - it's been a year and half of shoving all that deeper and deeper...

i'm workign with children who adore me and look up to me - and i'm suppose to be leading them towards Christ, teaching them and being an example of how to love well... i feel like i'm failing them - like i have nothing to give... and i have to struggle through the words that my last pastor spoke about me in regards to ministry and try not to believe them - words from somebody i trusted and looked up to.

i'm living with a family - and it's becoming more natural and comfortable to be part of that family - and my natural instict is to run from that... i don't know how to ask for what i need from them as a family... i have moments when i feel deeply loved and like i'm truly part of the family - and i have moments when i feel like an outsider renting a room and intruding on their family moments...

 there's a boy i have a huge crush on - that might like me back... i don't know - but he told me i looked great the other night and it affected my heart - which freaked me out and made me happy all the at the same time.... i feel very lost in this situation. scared. unsure. i don't want to get my emotions involved if it's nothing... but i don't want to shut him off and make it seem like i'm not interested...

i'm starting school in the fall again. i'm scared i wont be able to handle it. that i've lost my smarts... that my brain wont work right anymore. that i'll never be able to finish and get my degree that seems so close and yet so far away...

i'm pretty sure the Lord has called me to stay in salem for a while and do ministry here... to stay in the states. to stop wishing and having my heart overseas while i'm doing ministry half assed over here... but to get my heart involved here - to love the kids in salem and to dig deep and start something big to reach out to the hurting kids here that i'm (apparenlty) uniquely able to connect with and love on...  but at the same time - i still want to be overseas... the thought of not getting to go back to the relationships i built over there breaks my heart... and it shatters everything i've been living for - everything i've done for the past 8 years has been to prepare me for overseas ministry...  my degree, my trainings, what i own, how i've lived... that all has to change if i'm going to get rooted here.

i have a sever lack of motivation to get in shape... one of the main reasons i am usually disappointed with myself is my lack of motivation... especially when it involves exercise and loosing weight and getting in shape... there are so many things i want to do that i cannot do and will never get to unless i can figure out a way to get motivated and have a little self discipline... i just don't know how - and loosing weight is one of the hardest areas for me to let anyone in... to be real with my goals and my desires and my true feelings about myself...